sex and chocolate

I just had sex. And it was amazing. There was no WE BETTER MAKE A MOTHER FUCKIN BABY!!!!!!!!!!! or checking the calendar to make sure I was ovulating and it definitely wasn’t a pain stacking process where we just go through the motions. No my dear friends, it was leg shaking, toes curling, grabbing the edge of the bed, body completely bending, dirty, disgraceful, probably illegal sex.

As you assholes know we are trying to make a spawn. and it hasn’t been happening as easy for us as it is for anyone on prom night.It’s taken a toll on us individually and as a couple, with high expectations during each encounter, I will admit there was no spark. We use to fuck like bunnies, but after all those miscarriages and falling dangerously ill, my life partner no longer looked at me as his little nympho but as a delicate piece of glass.

Now let me describe something for you, my husband is 6’1, 240 pounds and solid as a rock. I swear I get revved up just looking at his muscle. He is also well endowed…. think BIG SIZE monster cans. (and yes I have called into work because I could not walk and had almost no voice)

So when I have someone that hot, and packing that much heat and me being as crazy as I am, well I am expecting a trip to the er when we get done. But no not my prisoner. He’s slow, dedicated, definitely goes the distance. His focus is all about me and making sure I ALWAYS hit the finish line first. He’s the total glorious package. Did I mention hes a freak? Oh sweet baby jesus the things we do……

But I digress, our 3 times a day fuck fest turned to 3 times a week, then once a week, to now maybe every month or so. With the PCOS and lupus, I gained weight, my joints constantly hurt, my hair was falling out in clumps, I had a kidney infection every other week, and I had lesion all across my skin. I was extremely tired 24/7, and usually in the hospital for fluids and meds. I looked at myself and thought I wouldn’t even touch me so why would I even expect or wish he would. As I got sicker I became more angry and more withdrawn. When we did have sex we could literally hear my joints popping and popping. When I had seizure during sex thats when all fuckery was wiped from the table. I caught him masturbating more, looking at chat sites. I didnt even blame him.

 

but one day he went to work and kissed me goodbye, and I got out of bed. Slowly of course and cursing everyone in the world. I then took a few massive hits, and did the unthinkable. I took a shower, by myself. Lemme tell you nothing feels as good as being independent again. I washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and then I went for the gold. I did my hair and makeup. Yes I know I’m amazing. I even put on my spanx. I threw on a cute little dress, and when he walked through the door it was on.

for like a second. He spun me around and bent me over hard and I got a sudden ungodly pain in my stomach that sent me to the ground. I apparently had two hernias that I knew nothing about and that was the straw that broke their back. I laid on my back gripping my stomach tears pouring down my face, and he LITERALLY CUT MY SPANX to see this GIANT MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SON OF A BITCH LUMP

the size of a goddamn softball on top of my belly button. well date night is obviously over and he picks me up and rushes me to the e.r the entire time apologizing to me. we get to the hospital and 10 hours later I am scheduled for surgery in two weeks and on strict bed rest. My husband has not since then touched me and it has been 4 FUCKING MONTHS.

but that all changed today! And lemme tell you. I had a big ball of fuzzy frizzy hair that i definitely needed to wash piled on top of my head, and was wearing my black leggings, and a black t shirt. Yup that was oh so sexy outfit. We had just gotten back from the store and I decided fuck it I own him I can kiss him when I want to. Somehow what was suppose to be a brief quick kiss ended up him being pushed up against a wall, and me ripping his clothes off. and boys and girls we were off to the races.

 

If anyone can tell you PCOS AND LUPUS make you feel like the most unattractive blob in the world and they hit you where it hurts. For months I have been dealing with depression and self deprecating thoughts because for us sex is how we connect. Its how we heal after a fight, and become close again. Its how we say I love you and those diseases strip you of it in some bullshit way. But assholes I got my grove back.

 

So yes I am typing this with a big ass grin on my face, some dried up love goo still on my face (hahaha money shots) and the inability to walk or talk (sorry neighbors) but lemme tell you this I didn’t let my diseases beat me or take my marriage down with it. My husband still tells me I look beautiful and kisses me even when I am less than desirable. and afterward we cuddled and talked baby names over takeout.

 

I aim to please

L.B

 

 

Fat people are not jolly. Fuckers.

For the past two weeks I have been trying to begin my water fast while on my first period in 3 years. Yes I know I’m a smart one huh? Each day I tried I failed, miserably. The cravings would come, and I would cave each day giving myself some stupid reason on why I NEEDED that double cheese burger and a chocolate shake or that taco. Well not yesterday. Yesterday was the start of my water fast and I made it through it. Day one to me on just about anything is always the hardest. I fucking love food so to deny myself wasn’t pretty. I thought I was going to cave at least 50 times.

 

I am fully away there is a difference between keto dieting and a water fast. Lemme explain. I am water fasting right now because I am fat. Like SOOOOOOO fat. and unhealthy, and for the main reason if you been following my blog so far trying to have a baby. But on top of Lupus and PCOS trying to baby block me, I was told I have type two diabetes. Now here’s the funny thing, I completely disagree with the doc. I will be the first to admit I eat my feelings, and the feelings of everyone else around me, so I know I am unhealthy, and its reflected by weight, mood,  skin, and just about everything else. I eat pasta about 5 meals a week, and I rarely drink water, and I loveeeeee bread and sugar. But the moment my Life prisoner and I sat down and decided lets have a baby, something changed. I knew I wouldn’t be able to unless I grabbed my binge eating by the horns and make it my bitch.

 

Now I have stopped eating sugar and got through a day before, but followed by shaking, vomiting, mood swings, and dizziness. And I thought hmm I must have low blood sugar and ate two bags of M&M’s while watching desperate housewives. But it took some research to find out carbs, and sugar effect our bodies the same as cocaine & heroin and when we stop eating them, our bodies go through withdrawal. I had no idea. So now I am doing the water fast, which is shown to have some of the most amazing health benefits. and for the record : WATER FASTING IS NOT ANOREXIA (YEAH MOM I’M TALKING TO YOU)

 

At some point I had to decide when enough was enough and during the last 3 years of being with my life prisoner I have gained a epic amount of 68 pounds. and I blame it all on him. When I’m depressed I dont eat. I just sit and cry. But when I’m happy, I will cook meals for kings, and end up eating them along with him. Also my life prisoner and I LOVE going out. We eat out quite a bit, and are always trying new places. But no more, because of this water fast I am so excited to see how much money we save. So here I go trying to right 24 years of eating crap and learn how to be healthy!

 

VENTURE ON!

L.B

nothing nice to say..

Hey ya’ll.

 

Im having a tough few days, and I have nothing really to say. Depression, life,fatigue, pcos, lupus, & this bullshit mother fuckin period are kicking my ass today, and I have no will or drive to do shit. The best I can do is pick myself up, and tease it to jesus, put on some war paint and fake it. Life and reality are weighing down a bit, and as much as I am sick of the bullshit, I need to be the strong one for my life prisoner. Because thats love. Hes always the strong one, the mentally and emotionally stable one, the alibi, my get out of jail card. And right now life is kicking his ass, and he isnt able to deal and that’s okay. It doesnt make him less of a man in my eyes. I actually catch myself falling more in love with my giant sack of shit, because of it. So here I am, crying, voices in my head screaming on and on, watching my own little world burn to the fucking ground, and I will dig deep, grow a pair, and make this drink a double, so that I can look him in the eyes, and say its going to be okay, I got you.

 

ARE WE OUT OF WOODS YET?

L.B

 

lupus is a funny word.

A new fun fact, I have lupus. It’s not something I talk about for the very reason of telling people I have an auto immune disease, they look at me like a fucking contagion, wont touch me, and ask if I got it from my life prisoner. It’s embarrassing. I have lesions, and I get my nifty butterfly rash. I wear long sleeves in the middle of summer to hide my lesions most days. I am 24 and I am constantly complaining about back and joint pain. I haven’t been back to work in oh 3 years because I wasn’t able to get up, without being in pain and having seizures. lemme tell you something, nothing test love like a good ol seizure. You wake up to find yourself naked in a tub, your husband giving you a sponge bath because you decided to pee all over yourself. thats classy. most doctors where we were living just gave me steroids & pain pills and does absolutely nothing. My blood pressure was damn near 144/120 and I was having chest pains that felt like heart attacks. and I will tell you my secret now. I smoke so much fucking pot. LOL. Omg I have wayyyy too much but before you get judgey lemme tell you that when I since I started to smoke, I have no seizures, my blood pressure is normal and I have very few flares now. I suggest we puff puff pass and remember I am now 1 year on NO MEDICATIONS FOR MY LUPUS.

SLE is a B.I.T.C.H

L.B